Daily struggles

 

Today is a day that resembles most days, I am sitting here bemoaning that I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. Actually that is a lie, I want it done with a wave of the hand so that I can go out do what I really want to do. What I really want to do is go out and be who my mind says I am and not the person that those around me want me to be.

I have been diagnosed with MS , with that diagnosis came much different treatment from every one around me. Granted, those that went through the first years after diagnosis wit me remember how helpless I was at that time. The first years caused me to lose much of my independence, I was part time is a wheel chair and mostly dependent on a cane to walk alone. One of the things that it took me a long time to [and still haven’t completely mastered] understand the depression that comes with MS.

My neurologist told me that all things that happen are not going to be the MS, I still have other things that will affect me. I guess I was doomed to continue on with the Seasonal Affective  Disorder [SAD] and the drive to be outside doing things in the open air. I have always been active, growing a 50 x 50 garden, canning all the harvest we didn’t eat, raising a large family consisting of his mine and ours with all of the inherent challenges  and working full time. As the children were leaving and going on to fulfill their dreams my diagnosis came.

That is off subject, now back to struggles.

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining in it’s brilliant winter way. It is so deceiving, the sun is so inviting and yet it is blow zero out there. I am torn between going out  and shoveling my way out of the driveway so I can go to town tomorrow or staying in and cleaning [I hate that job, especially when I live with a slob (me) that chooses to leave things out] or get on the computer. I guess you see which won out. These decisions only lead to the depression. I can’t do as much as I want, I envision the Wonder Woman that I used to be and am disappointed with what is left. I don’t dwell on that much or I would be crazy, I have learned to forgive my self for not being 20 anymore.

I have people around me that won’t let me do things because of the diagnosis or try to “protect” me. They forget, I am the person that is living inside this body and completely aware of it’s limitations. I am not a dare devil, I don’t want to get hurt but I am still me. I love animals and machinery and digging holes, being outside is the way I survive.

Cleaning house is depressing and THAT is not MS.  Cleaning a house that insists on being dirty is just downright frustrating. Growing a large garden when there is no one but me and an occasional visitor is counter productive. Winter is not conducive to those activities, it is too cold for anyone to be out there for any length of time I am gone to much to take care of it anyway, I have itchy feet I can’t seem to stay home for any length of time.

I am forgetful [MS or age], sometimes and struggle with that. I jump from one project to another, that is defiantly not MS. I have to design a way to stop that but I’ve been working on it for 50 years, still have not found a solution. The only thing that has worked is being a follower, following someone around and allowing them to set the agenda. It is harder to get distracted when you have someone around to keep you focused.

I can’t do as much as I want but that is age not MS.

My new [old] hobby is computer related that invites me to sit in front of the computer and  get lost spending too much time sitting down. I am fully engaged, excited about the possibilities and loose the hours of the day.  How many calories does that burn? I get more exercise going to get a snack. My other winter hobbies are also sit down projects.

The daily struggles are, I guess something that we all have to live with. I want it fixed and I want it fixed NOW.   I am impatient.

OK that is off my chest,  I’ll resume my struggles.

 

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I am going to quit adulting

On my trip back home from being a Grandma, I made a decision. I don’t want to be an adult any more. I am tired of being grown up. I want to have someone else clean my house, wash my cloths and cook my dinner while I go play. My mother did most of this until I was big enough to do my own. I washed dishes and was responsible for my own stuff in the room I shared with my sister.  My sister was  six years younger and we weren’t concerned with neat and clean. So there was no real problem there.

I will still be Grandma, that is something that I enjoy and I am not responsible for the out come. I just need to be the one that can drive and interpret. I do not need to worry about as many things, I just need to be generally logical and have the best in mind for us.

I want to get a tent and go on “walk about”.  My man friend worries that a bear will try to join me. If it is cold, I could use the bear’s warmth. I love and totally respect the slithering critters of the world so they aren’t a problem for me. Like I told him, I am not afraid of the boggy man. Walk about is about all I can afford, using anything but Shanks Mare is prohibitively expensive.

Maybe it will be my birthday present for my 70th birthday in a few years, by then I will have been able to collect what I need and build some stamina. Maybe .

The greenhouse is up and now has some of the things that I took out of my last greenhouse in it. I’m ready to start dreaming about little leaves popping up through the soil. Now starts the joy.

 

 

How short is life, living takes real courage

It’s not a question, just an observation. Every day I am reminded of our tenuous hold on to the life we have, and it could be over in an instant. I guess I am a fatalist, I know my next seconds might be my last and yet I am not overly concerened about it. I do think of it occasionally, but there is nothing I can do about my pending death. I might as well live while I am able. One thing that can be said about people that have faced death is that as a whole they dont worry about their own demise, they worry about the ones they will leave. They have learned death is not the hard part, it is the living that is hard. The daily grind takes a courage that most of us have but do not recognize.

The ones that survive have a different perspective on what is important. Granted it is different for everyone,  but the common theme is that dreams and relationships trump most every thing else.

If you were gone tomorrow what would be your greatest regret?