Daily struggles

 

Today is a day that resembles most days, I am sitting here bemoaning that I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. Actually that is a lie, I want it done with a wave of the hand so that I can go out do what I really want to do. What I really want to do is go out and be who my mind says I am and not the person that those around me want me to be.

I have been diagnosed with MS , with that diagnosis came much different treatment from every one around me. Granted, those that went through the first years after diagnosis wit me remember how helpless I was at that time. The first years caused me to lose much of my independence, I was part time is a wheel chair and mostly dependent on a cane to walk alone. One of the things that it took me a long time to [and still haven’t completely mastered] understand the depression that comes with MS.

My neurologist told me that all things that happen are not going to be the MS, I still have other things that will affect me. I guess I was doomed to continue on with the Seasonal Affective  Disorder [SAD] and the drive to be outside doing things in the open air. I have always been active, growing a 50 x 50 garden, canning all the harvest we didn’t eat, raising a large family consisting of his mine and ours with all of the inherent challenges  and working full time. As the children were leaving and going on to fulfill their dreams my diagnosis came.

That is off subject, now back to struggles.

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining in it’s brilliant winter way. It is so deceiving, the sun is so inviting and yet it is blow zero out there. I am torn between going out  and shoveling my way out of the driveway so I can go to town tomorrow or staying in and cleaning [I hate that job, especially when I live with a slob (me) that chooses to leave things out] or get on the computer. I guess you see which won out. These decisions only lead to the depression. I can’t do as much as I want, I envision the Wonder Woman that I used to be and am disappointed with what is left. I don’t dwell on that much or I would be crazy, I have learned to forgive my self for not being 20 anymore.

I have people around me that won’t let me do things because of the diagnosis or try to “protect” me. They forget, I am the person that is living inside this body and completely aware of it’s limitations. I am not a dare devil, I don’t want to get hurt but I am still me. I love animals and machinery and digging holes, being outside is the way I survive.

Cleaning house is depressing and THAT is not MS.  Cleaning a house that insists on being dirty is just downright frustrating. Growing a large garden when there is no one but me and an occasional visitor is counter productive. Winter is not conducive to those activities, it is too cold for anyone to be out there for any length of time I am gone to much to take care of it anyway, I have itchy feet I can’t seem to stay home for any length of time.

I am forgetful [MS or age], sometimes and struggle with that. I jump from one project to another, that is defiantly not MS. I have to design a way to stop that but I’ve been working on it for 50 years, still have not found a solution. The only thing that has worked is being a follower, following someone around and allowing them to set the agenda. It is harder to get distracted when you have someone around to keep you focused.

I can’t do as much as I want but that is age not MS.

My new [old] hobby is computer related that invites me to sit in front of the computer and  get lost spending too much time sitting down. I am fully engaged, excited about the possibilities and loose the hours of the day.  How many calories does that burn? I get more exercise going to get a snack. My other winter hobbies are also sit down projects.

The daily struggles are, I guess something that we all have to live with. I want it fixed and I want it fixed NOW.   I am impatient.

OK that is off my chest,  I’ll resume my struggles.

 

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And there it goes again

It was sunny yesterday, just a little chill in the breeze [after all is is March]. Montana is reminding everyone it is cold here. Then again March is a schizophrenic month no matter where where you live. It rained two days ago and now it is snowing. This coming week it is going to be in the 60’s again. Talk about whiplash. Make up your mind.

I worked outside all day trying to pull off a job made for two by myself. I enjoyed being outside but the frustration of not being four handed made for a bittersweet experience. I did make it though, just a little worn for the mental exercise keeping my self from throwing things and generally making a fool of myself.

Yesterday just reminded me how much I miss my partner and best friend.

Now that is enough self indulgence.

The green house is on hold, for a week. I have to leave in the morning to keep an appointment with my grandchildren and it is snowing. It is early yet I know but, I am dying to get my finger nails dirty in the dirt. I haven’t had a green house for 20 years and it has been killing me, I just can’t wait for the  seeds to start popping through the dirt. It is a spiritual experience, like seeing something born. It just reinforces that life is worth living for these little miracles.

I have two pet peeves and they have been fed abundantly this week. One is intolerance. I  had a conversation that revolved around the minorities “deserving” to be trod upon, because they are not white and the “don’t think” like whites do. It takes all that I am to not just walk away and disavow any knowledge of that person. The other is bigotry.  I have had conversations that are based on “if they would only do the way I would it would work” irregardless of their culture, training or life experiences.  One of those conversations included “well they deserved it” because they chose to live like they wanted to and not like is acceptable in my circle. I am not sure that any one “deserves” something horrible to happen to them no matter  what they do.

I have to remember that every one has the right to their opinion no matter how wrong they are. I just try to not get too snappish when they start espousing their ignorance.

Now I have to get my mind headed in the positive direction and get ready to be a grandma.

Well, life gets in the way.

I am not sure how the super efficient get anything done. I am totally befuddled.

How does one have a life with all the plans and schemes that are unique to them and have a relationship with others? It escapes me. I am afraid I don’t do it very well. Life to me is a joint operation with those that want to share it, I am finding that it is very hard to do and maintain any semblance of sanity. I did it for 40 years, but, then I had a partner who shared my belief of relationship.

My daughter is needing my help, I could just turn it over to paid people but that is not my style. I don’t get the information that I need and she gets belligerent because she can with social workers and care attendants.   My granddaughter is needing help and has had frustration navigating  the  system. She is 500 miles away and I am going to go help her this next week. While I am there I am going to trade lodging for being available for two other grandchildren while my daughter and son-in-law travel to meet her oldest daughter and son-in-law.

Still I need to get My greenhouse up. It is a work in progress. The wind is a problem, running errands and keeping up with the demands of life, is going to take precedent I guess.

I get a new member of the family today. Miss Ford, my recently departed friend’s cat is coming to live with me. I have missed having a cat around. I have three little dogs [one abandoned me for the rugged life of chasing skunks and gophers on the ranch], but he is still mine. The traitor is a rescue, I rescued him from a life in town, he loves the great outdoors and is a hunter extraordinaire,  his favorite fragrance these days  is skunk.  The matriarch’s  “mom”  passed on and made her an orphan. And there is the upstart of a yappy little pound dog who is just developing a personality unique to her, she is coming into her own.

There is nothing like having  cat curl up next to you and turn her purr motor on. It is soothing and calming. So looking forward to picking her up. I miss it.

It’s Sunday

It’s Sunday, The sun is shining. From my window it is inviting me to come outside. When I let Trix the Dachshund  and Girly the Terrier cross out the frost glistened in that inviting sun. Brrrr.

The wind blew all day yesterday [ no their are no roofless houses and the cars are not rolled up like pill bugs] it blew in this cold to reassert winter. Despite what the weather forecast says I believe it will be 10 below before long.

The National Weather Service came out and said that it is going to be warmer in the north plains. I wonder, who told them. I could have told them and I don’t get paid the big bucks, I don’t get  paid at all.

I ran out of adhesive for my tile job, now I have to go to town. As per normal the adhesive ran out in the last corner, so I have only 6 tiles and the fill to finish. I did get bread made and put peppers in the dehydrator. They were on the mark down table and I am a fool for a bargain.

SPRING!!!!!

Here it is the middle of February and it is 50 degrees out there. In Montana it is to warm, the trees are showing signs of sap running. It is too early.The Weather Service issued a wind warning of winds possible to 80 mph, that is March weather. So the wind has blown for several days and now it is supposed to rain. Welcome to Montana in March, wait, it’s only February.

Montana has a habit of showing it’s warmer self and then suddenly it remembers that it is Montana and Montana is COLD, so it gets -10 overnight. To say we have schizophrenic weather is an understatement, frozen flower buds will attest to that.

I am truly tired of cloudy skies and would like to see the sun for more than one day at a time. Then, I am a sufferer of SAD. The lack of sun throws me into the blues and prolonged lack of sun throws me head first into the murky waters of depression where it is next to impossible to find the way to the surface.

Today is not a good day for me, I am trying to deal with my handicapped daughters financial affairs and the state intrusion into her finances. I understand the need to be financially reimbursed for their services but when she is unable to pay what they want for reimbursement, and then they increase that amount.  Needless to say the lack of sun is the least of my problems today.

Oh well. I guess I will go lay tile for a little while and see if the State worker will really call me back.

Best Laid Plans

Well, best laid plans. I was sitting here staring at the screen thinking I need to do something, anything.  The post-it note peeked out from under some junk on my desk and reminded me that I made a commitment to do better.

Then the thought, we all want to do better. The thing is, how can we do better if life jumps in and takes over?  I have taken a few days to go play in the snow and worn myself out. That’s why I am sitting here just staring at the computer screen, just trying to re-group.  With Soul Town  station crooning Not On The Outside in my ear, I am reflecting on the last week. The rich voice of Marvin Gaye changes to You Are All I Need To Get By” and then I wonder what is it we all need to get by. THEN, Boogie Fever by the Sylvers comes on and I want to get up and boogie.

I think I know, if every one is as distracted as I am, it’s a wonder that any thing gets done. My commitments are easily pushed aside by the thing that is in front right now. If I don’t get single minded then I start “chasing rabbits”. As I sit here and wonder where the next “rabbit” will carry me I need another cup of coffee.

On the way to get my coffee, I stepped on a rock in my bare feet and remembered I need to sweep the floor. As I stood pouring the coffee I noticed the stove is needing washed off and the few dishes in the sink need to be put in the dishwasher. Walking back down the hall to the computer I noticed the hallway is needing swept and mopped.

Now, what was that I was saying about rabbits?

Home again

I am back in home soil, literally.  It has taken a week to get all the brain cells aligned in a somewhat organized fashion. Last night was the first that I was able to stay up even close to a normal time. Then, my constant companion [restless leg syndrome] nudged me out of bed. I finally convinced it to leave me alone in the wee hours of the morning. Then the sun came up ……. drat!! When the sun is up, so am I. After breakfast a quick trip to look at grass and heifers, I was starved. Why, am I starved? Oh well. Pay bills, work on the “attack” lilac and try to get it out of the walk way. Maybe it won’t grab at hats, pull hair or poke at eyes this year. A big black bull stood watching and growling at me and the sick ward bulls. He is just spoiling for a fight. I threw lilac branches at him, he ignored me. Cook supper, watch the thought vacuüm for a while and repeat the process. I am home. Norway, a memory,  I have to organize my thoughts about it.  I  want to go back and spend the summer. Maybe one day, soon I hope. Tomorrow go on to the burg and try to organize my thoughts again. I guess I have to get in the swing of things. All good things come to an end?