Daily struggles


Today is a day that resembles most days, I am sitting here bemoaning that I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. Actually that is a lie, I want it done with a wave of the hand so that I can go out do what I really want to do. What I really want to do is go out and be who my mind says I am and not the person that those around me want me to be.

I have been diagnosed with MS , with that diagnosis came much different treatment from every one around me. Granted, those that went through the first years after diagnosis wit me remember how helpless I was at that time. The first years caused me to lose much of my independence, I was part time is a wheel chair and mostly dependent on a cane to walk alone. One of the things that it took me a long time to [and still haven’t completely mastered] understand the depression that comes with MS.

My neurologist told me that all things that happen are not going to be the MS, I still have other things that will affect me. I guess I was doomed to continue on with the Seasonal Affective  Disorder [SAD] and the drive to be outside doing things in the open air. I have always been active, growing a 50 x 50 garden, canning all the harvest we didn’t eat, raising a large family consisting of his mine and ours with all of the inherent challenges  and working full time. As the children were leaving and going on to fulfill their dreams my diagnosis came.

That is off subject, now back to struggles.

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining in it’s brilliant winter way. It is so deceiving, the sun is so inviting and yet it is blow zero out there. I am torn between going out  and shoveling my way out of the driveway so I can go to town tomorrow or staying in and cleaning [I hate that job, especially when I live with a slob (me) that chooses to leave things out] or get on the computer. I guess you see which won out. These decisions only lead to the depression. I can’t do as much as I want, I envision the Wonder Woman that I used to be and am disappointed with what is left. I don’t dwell on that much or I would be crazy, I have learned to forgive my self for not being 20 anymore.

I have people around me that won’t let me do things because of the diagnosis or try to “protect” me. They forget, I am the person that is living inside this body and completely aware of it’s limitations. I am not a dare devil, I don’t want to get hurt but I am still me. I love animals and machinery and digging holes, being outside is the way I survive.

Cleaning house is depressing and THAT is not MS.  Cleaning a house that insists on being dirty is just downright frustrating. Growing a large garden when there is no one but me and an occasional visitor is counter productive. Winter is not conducive to those activities, it is too cold for anyone to be out there for any length of time I am gone to much to take care of it anyway, I have itchy feet I can’t seem to stay home for any length of time.

I am forgetful [MS or age], sometimes and struggle with that. I jump from one project to another, that is defiantly not MS. I have to design a way to stop that but I’ve been working on it for 50 years, still have not found a solution. The only thing that has worked is being a follower, following someone around and allowing them to set the agenda. It is harder to get distracted when you have someone around to keep you focused.

I can’t do as much as I want but that is age not MS.

My new [old] hobby is computer related that invites me to sit in front of the computer and  get lost spending too much time sitting down. I am fully engaged, excited about the possibilities and loose the hours of the day.  How many calories does that burn? I get more exercise going to get a snack. My other winter hobbies are also sit down projects.

The daily struggles are, I guess something that we all have to live with. I want it fixed and I want it fixed NOW.   I am impatient.

OK that is off my chest,  I’ll resume my struggles.


I miss …………………..

I miss my mother.

This is Mothers Day weekend, I haven’t had a mother since I was 27. I don’t even have a mother-in-law any more.  There is never a day that goes by that a mom-ism doesn’t escape my mouth or a memory of a look or action crosses my mind. I look in the mirror and wonder if that is what my mother would have looked like at my age. I didn’t always like her, like any all important know-it-all teenager. I always respected her, I would have not. She was my mother! The person that I owed my very existence to. She never said “I love you”.  It was just a known fact, like water is wet and ice is cold.  Happy Mother’s day Mom.

I miss being five years old, a time when being covered in mud and frog slime didn’t cause me any concern,  just happy feelings . A time when I could say “I’m hungry or cold and someone would try to fix that for me.

I miss being sixteen with the imaginings of a young woman whose life was a marvelous adventure and I would reach  all the dreams that I had set for me.

I miss being a young newly wed and the mystery and promise of my new world was before me in a fabulous array of possibilities.

I miss the innocence of my children and the total trust they had in their father and me that the world was a wonderful place to be.

I miss the first years the children were gone from home, the rekindling of the two of us as a couple and not as care takers and educators of young ones. We found the years we were parents bonded us together in a firm and mature relationship with a deeper love and commitment to each other. We had become one entity.

I miss the man who I spent 38 years with.

I miss his laugh and his sense of humor. He loved to dance and would bounce with the music. He loved music of all kinds, from Bing Crosby to Michael Jackson. He loved to cook, and he was a good cook. it has been six years and I still get a wash of longing and sorrow at his loss.

And, I miss wing windows, the ability to direct air through the wing window into the car was wonderful.