I don’t usually take forever to get my clothes on, but today it is early afternoon and I am still in my robe and slippers. A week ago [has it been only a week?] my brother-in-law died. He was 79 and had been in declining health for the last few years. Then a few days later, my cousin died. Peggy and I had re-connected a number of years ago after years of not knowing much about each other. This morning, My baby sister died. that is hard to fathom. She had COPD and didn’t take very good care of herself. She had so many issues with life that none of us could help her with.
I guess I am still in a bit of denial or shock. I wasn’t surprised that my brother-in-law died, just [like all deaths] not prepared. I was not able to attend his funeral.
Now my cousin and sister [they were close to the same age] under 60, that is another story. Not that either one was on speed-dial or even monthly call basis, they will be missed. I was not able to go to either of their funerals, it is a bad time of year and Peggy lived in California and my sister is in Missouri. I made plans to go to see Peggy in February and my sister in the spring. Those plans have been changed by circumstances. I did speak to my sister more in the last few months than I had in previous years. She could be difficult and was prone to being angry. I might be able to make her funeral only because our brother is willing to help me get there.
I counted on my fingers this morning, it has been four months since I sat down and wrote anything. I have just not taken the time, and now it seems that is what I need to do.
I hate funerals, and I have always held that I won’t be attending mine. I don’t want to have the funeral the last memory of me.
My problem with funerals? I would like to remember the person on my terms Not the grief stricken, shell shocked faces of all the loved ones. Now, I know that funerals are the time for all family and friends to get together to express their love and commitment, wouldn’t it be better to do that before the death? I wonder if we express our feelings often enough. I know I don’t. It is just too easy to let the opportunity to slip away, and too difficult to just “blurt” it out when there are other things going on. I know of a few professional funeral attenders, they go to any funeral they can get into and put on an appropriately sad face. As soon as possible they rush eagerly to the buffet line usually the first in line. These people worry me.
It isn’t new, in days past people were paid to be mourners. The louder and more pitiful they could be brought them more money. It was a sign of importance to have large funerals with a lot of mourners. I am not sure that practice has changed much except I don’t think they pay mourners anymore.
Life will go on and I will go on. There will just be three more holes in the fiber of my life.