Daily struggles

 

Today is a day that resembles most days, I am sitting here bemoaning that I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. Actually that is a lie, I want it done with a wave of the hand so that I can go out do what I really want to do. What I really want to do is go out and be who my mind says I am and not the person that those around me want me to be.

I have been diagnosed with MS , with that diagnosis came much different treatment from every one around me. Granted, those that went through the first years after diagnosis wit me remember how helpless I was at that time. The first years caused me to lose much of my independence, I was part time is a wheel chair and mostly dependent on a cane to walk alone. One of the things that it took me a long time to [and still haven’t completely mastered] understand the depression that comes with MS.

My neurologist told me that all things that happen are not going to be the MS, I still have other things that will affect me. I guess I was doomed to continue on with the Seasonal Affective  Disorder [SAD] and the drive to be outside doing things in the open air. I have always been active, growing a 50 x 50 garden, canning all the harvest we didn’t eat, raising a large family consisting of his mine and ours with all of the inherent challenges  and working full time. As the children were leaving and going on to fulfill their dreams my diagnosis came.

That is off subject, now back to struggles.

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining in it’s brilliant winter way. It is so deceiving, the sun is so inviting and yet it is blow zero out there. I am torn between going out  and shoveling my way out of the driveway so I can go to town tomorrow or staying in and cleaning [I hate that job, especially when I live with a slob (me) that chooses to leave things out] or get on the computer. I guess you see which won out. These decisions only lead to the depression. I can’t do as much as I want, I envision the Wonder Woman that I used to be and am disappointed with what is left. I don’t dwell on that much or I would be crazy, I have learned to forgive my self for not being 20 anymore.

I have people around me that won’t let me do things because of the diagnosis or try to “protect” me. They forget, I am the person that is living inside this body and completely aware of it’s limitations. I am not a dare devil, I don’t want to get hurt but I am still me. I love animals and machinery and digging holes, being outside is the way I survive.

Cleaning house is depressing and THAT is not MS.  Cleaning a house that insists on being dirty is just downright frustrating. Growing a large garden when there is no one but me and an occasional visitor is counter productive. Winter is not conducive to those activities, it is too cold for anyone to be out there for any length of time I am gone to much to take care of it anyway, I have itchy feet I can’t seem to stay home for any length of time.

I am forgetful [MS or age], sometimes and struggle with that. I jump from one project to another, that is defiantly not MS. I have to design a way to stop that but I’ve been working on it for 50 years, still have not found a solution. The only thing that has worked is being a follower, following someone around and allowing them to set the agenda. It is harder to get distracted when you have someone around to keep you focused.

I can’t do as much as I want but that is age not MS.

My new [old] hobby is computer related that invites me to sit in front of the computer and  get lost spending too much time sitting down. I am fully engaged, excited about the possibilities and loose the hours of the day.  How many calories does that burn? I get more exercise going to get a snack. My other winter hobbies are also sit down projects.

The daily struggles are, I guess something that we all have to live with. I want it fixed and I want it fixed NOW.   I am impatient.

OK that is off my chest,  I’ll resume my struggles.

 

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SPRING!!!!!

Here it is the middle of February and it is 50 degrees out there. In Montana it is to warm, the trees are showing signs of sap running. It is too early.The Weather Service issued a wind warning of winds possible to 80 mph, that is March weather. So the wind has blown for several days and now it is supposed to rain. Welcome to Montana in March, wait, it’s only February.

Montana has a habit of showing it’s warmer self and then suddenly it remembers that it is Montana and Montana is COLD, so it gets -10 overnight. To say we have schizophrenic weather is an understatement, frozen flower buds will attest to that.

I am truly tired of cloudy skies and would like to see the sun for more than one day at a time. Then, I am a sufferer of SAD. The lack of sun throws me into the blues and prolonged lack of sun throws me head first into the murky waters of depression where it is next to impossible to find the way to the surface.

Today is not a good day for me, I am trying to deal with my handicapped daughters financial affairs and the state intrusion into her finances. I understand the need to be financially reimbursed for their services but when she is unable to pay what they want for reimbursement, and then they increase that amount.  Needless to say the lack of sun is the least of my problems today.

Oh well. I guess I will go lay tile for a little while and see if the State worker will really call me back.

Do you know your Vitamin D?

I just read an article about Vitamin D. My niece a cancer survivor visited with her cancer doctor and he told her that she had extremely low Vitamin D levels. That could be the explanation for some of her symptoms.

I am aware of the need of sufficient Vitamin D  and the role it plays in Osteoporosis. I read the speculation on MS and Vitamin D. Multiple Sclerosis is more frequent in the northern tier of the earth where there is seasonally limited  sunshine, thereby a lack of Vitamin D.

I do have Osteoporosis. My osteoporosis is a consequence of living past menopause, not being physically active for many years due to Multiple Sclerosis [MS] and some things beyond my control. I take Vitamin D and Boneva for osteoporosis, my doctor says I am on the low-end of normal. That is a norm for me, I am on the low-end of normal in a lot of things.

This article says irritability is a symptom of Vitamin D deficiency, that would explain some things.  I have been like a bear  the last while, I am always growling about something. depression and anxiety are listed as a symptoms.

Many people who are deficient in vitamin D said that in the beginning, they thought their anxiety was caused by something else. Many of these people have been trying to treat depression and/or anxiety with antidepressants and other medications, but it turned out to be unsuccessful. In other words, if your mood problems are caused by vitamin D deficiency, the only way to treat these issues is to treat vitamin D deficiency first.    vitaminddeficiencysymptomsguide

 I have SAD [Seasonal Affect Disorder]. I need to be in the sun for my mental health and for the well-being of those around me. I live in Montana, the winters here are long. Not so dark, just too cold to play outside much. If I don’t have a sunny window I can sit in, then ………….BEWARE.  So I chalk my grumpiness to SAD, maybe it’s tied to both. Because I am a survivor of menopause and don’t make the Vitamin D like I used to and I am on the low-end of normal, Vitamin D deficiency could be the culprit. Then, because I don’t get out in the sun enough, my SAD could be the culprit. Maybe it is a destructive combination of the two. I have to explore this with the neurologist when I see her again.
With the concerns of skin cancer, there is a high use of sun block it even comes in clothes. With all of this sun blocking is there a decrease in the Vitamin D available to us? I can’t help but wonder. Are there more reports of diseases that are linked to Vitamin D deficiency? I would guess so.

Vitamin D is very important for overall health. It takes part in several important processes that take place in the body, some of which are closely related to the immune system. Numerous researches have proven that vitamin D is helpful in preventing diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cardiovascular disease, rickets, osteoporosis, osteomalacia, and certain types of cancer. It is also used as a part of therapy in patients who suffer from these problems.     vitaminddeficiencysymptomsguide

There are many things cited in this article including muscle cramps and fatigue, diabetes and cancer to weight retention.  Check your symptoms and check your Vitamin D.

http://www.vitaminddeficiencysymptomsguide.com/

On that note

felixbaumgartnerachieve

I have to keep reminding my self of this. Anyone else have this trouble?

It is easy to blame everyone and everything around. It is harder to stand up and say “enough is enough” and take steps to resolve the problem. I tend to take the easy way out. I have to move in circles that are positive and vibrant. The only way that I can think of is to move into the sunlight and out of the shadows.

Depression is time-consuming and soul killing. The best description of depression I can come up with is the quicksand in all of the Tarzan movies I used to watch. The harder you pull the tighter the grip. If you quit struggling it will pull you under and drown you. The only way out is a life line, either it is thrown or you grasp a vine or branch that you couldn’t see in your desperation.

In reality quicksand only poses a danger if there is a man eating tiger in the vicinity, it is relativity easy to escape. So is depression, if one has the ability to relax and look for ways to get out. When the dark curtain of depression falls, it is hard to find the light switch.